For? | Absolute randomness.

“For, after all, you do grow up, you do outgrow your ideals, which turn to dust and ashes, which are shattered into fragments; and if you have no other life, you just have to build one up out of these fragments. And all the time your soul is craving and longing for something else. And in vain does the dreamer rummage about in his old dreams, raking them over as though they were a heap of cinders, looking in these cinders for some spark, however tiny, to fan it into a flame so as to warm his chilled blood by it and revive in it all that he held so dear before, all that touched his heart, that made his blood course through his veins, that drew tears from his eyes, and that so splendidly deceived him!” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

For as long as I can remember, my favorite month is October.
For no apparent reason actually, I just like the month. Wondering now if it's because the word looks nice to me, or because it's one of my closest girlfriend's birthday month, or because it's nearing the end of a school term, or maybe it's because it's officially Autumn (not like we experience it in SG, but oh well, I like autumn anyway), or because I just grew up having a liking towards it for no obvious reason really. Whatever it is, it's comforting (?) that it's October again.

For the past few days, I have been talking to a dear friend who is currently in Germany. Really sweet of her to send me links of my favorite yonghwa GIF images as a form of motivation and support via iMessage. And when I'm on Skype, "how has your day been?", "-another yonghwa GIF link-" and "how are you?" etc. greets me without fail. Followed by things like "eat well", "rest alot", "sleep well" and similar lines of concern. She may be younger but I've stopped viewing her as a "junior" ever since we had a good heart-to-heart talk about many things in life (others would just regard it as 'cheam' conversation topics) at Ramen Play about 2 months ago. I'd never forget how that conversation we shared changed a few perspectives of mine, as well as how I suddenly felt so "young" in front of her. It was as if I was the younger one suddenly. But nevertheless, I am thankful for a friend who genuinely cares, albeit being 6000 miles away :)

For a thinker like me, I can't help or control myself in terms of the amount of things that flood my mind constantly. I wouldn't say I'm a pessimist by nature (though there were a few occasions whereby I do suspect that I may be one), but I definitely know where to draw the line, well, most of the time from drowning in thoughts and from entering my world of silence or being in a state of solitude. Growing up has taught and highlighted to me many things about myself actually.
For example, I used to be annoyingly noisy; squealing or even screaming at the littlest things, a true blue chatterbox in primary school days etc, but as time passes and as I grow up, I began to learn to truly enjoy and appreciate me-time, reading, talking about things that would be deemed too profound and deep for a teenager/young adult (of course, with a person of the same wavelength and frequency), develop an absolute dislike for people who spends all day gossiping about others as well as people who talks without thinking. I was handed a title and role as a student leader, with heavy responsibilities on my shoulders, with many pairs of eyes watching my moves, I learnt to deal and handle things with proper thought processes, sensitivity as well as to make decisions that may not be popular, but right. And yes, I learnt to enjoy silence too. Anyway. Now that I think about all these, I wouldn't really regard this quiet and somber demeanor as being "emo" or anything along that line. I just think that we have more empathy and that we're good as listeners for our friends etc. Point to note - I'm not anti-social, I'm just more careful about who I become chummy with. Sometimes, I wish everyone around me goes through the same thinking process as I do, so that it won't be difficult to express my thoughts and people will just understand exactly what it is that I'm feeling. But of course, I have to count my blessings, despite sounding like a person who is so difficult to live with right now haha. I am thankful for having friends around me who tries to understand or at least, be there for (and with) me. Though I secretly wish that in that list of friends, Mr Tng would still exist. 

For about nearly two weeks now, I have been thinking about the old friend a lot, more than usual. Someone who would always nag and remind me how blessed I am to be surrounded by people like him. Although it sounds like a self-compliment in an egoistic way, haha. But for us, his friends, we know it's absolutely true. And although it's been more than a year now since he's gone, I still can't seem to come to terms with it sometimes. Every now and then, I would scroll through my messages to locate his name, realizing that each time - I'm scrolling a little further/more. Maybe this is one reason why I'm not that eager and bent on upgrading my mobile set to the 5S (besides the fact that it's OOS), because I wouldn't be able to locate the messages anymore. There's a folder on my desktop of pictures that we took together. Because I think it's scary if there's ever gonna be this day where I wake up to find only blurred images of you in my head. So, it's a just-in-case thing. But so far, I haven't opened that folder with the intention of trying to piece back the images of your face, everything's still clear now. *Beams*

No idea why and how I've gotten into this kind of absolute random writing mode tonight, I'm supposed to be mugging!! But it's good I guess :) It's been long since I've last poured out so many things, hehe.

On a lighter note, I attended the recent POP! Was so so happy to see the boys! Congratulations dear friends! :) :)

This month has been treating me rather alright so far! Hoping that it only gets better ;) Meeting Crystal and meimei tomorrow, yay! :)

Ok, back to the books!